Reasons Doctor Who Is Basically God…

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Not to knock God or anything, but Doctor Who is the most logical version of God I’ve seen yet. When I say logical I’m sure many Christians may roll their eyes and reference how illogical that truly sounds, since Doctor Who is merely a fictitious alien who galavants around the universe in a time-traveling police box saving people. But then again, that’s not a far cry from the typical “Sunday School” logic when you think about it. Some might say that the Doctor Who series, taken literally, makes aheck-ov-alot more sense than most organized religions when taken literally. But true or not, Doctor Who is ripe with deep theological and philosophical goodies that put him in the same conversation as The Almighty. Here’s a few examples…

THE THREE OMNI’S

The over-hellenized (Greek) version of God has been a trademark of religious Western Thought. Basically, God can do anything (omnipotent), knows everything (omniscient), and is everywhere (omnipresent). Doctor Who satisfies this God-requirement quite nicely, and in a much more logical (and poetic) fashion.

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“Because you don’t need to own the universe, just see it. Have the privilege of seeing the whole of time and space. That’s ownership enough.”  -The End of Time: Part Two

As all Who-vians are aware, Dr. Who travels via the T.A.R.D.I.S (i.e. Time and Relative Dimension In Space). This gives The Doctor access to… everything. He can travel anywhere, which equals omnipresence. There is no need for him to occupy ALL of space at the same time (as you may assume God does) because having equal access to time travel makes such a God-requirement to be completely irrelevant (since he can be anywhere, anytime he wants). If anything, this is the only logical way to be omnipresent, other than being everything. (Just Google ‘Pantheism’ if you want to go down that rabbit whole).

The Doctor, while being held captive by “The Master” (a rogue Time Lord, hell-bent on ruling the universe), puts things in perspective. We don’t have to rule the universe. We don’t have to own the universe. We just have to see it. Having the ability to see it all… nothing could be better. I’d like to think that God would see things similarly, just basking in the joy of all that exists rather than punishing those who question his divine right to rule.

The other omni’s fall right into place as well. The Doctor doesn’t have to know everything at once; he can discover it all. He has all the time he needs. And the ability to do anything? Short of making 5-sided triangles, The Doctor has arguably done more than any other being in the universe, has the tools to accomplish them, and all the time he needs to do them. Again, this is seemingly the most logical way to possess such a power.

HE RECREATED THE “BIG BANG”

In the fifth season finale entitled “The Big Bang”, The Dr. flies The Pandorica into the exploding Tardis to prevent the universe from never having existed by triggering a second Big Bang. Yeah, that’s right. You heard me. (With plot lines like that, you can’t not be a fan of this show.)

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I mean… kickstarting the universe is pretty God-ish if you ask me. And if you think “Well, only the true God could have done it the first time,” then you might want to ask yourself…

In the beginning, after the first beginning, Who created created the Heavens and the Earth? Exactly.

HE’S STILL KINDA RESPONSIBLE FOR HORRIBLE ATROCITIES

While The Dr. devotes much of his existence to helping others, sometimes there’s just no perfect outcome. For example, in Season 4, episode 2, “The Fires of Pompeii”, he ends up on the historically-doomed island. You’d assume he’s going to prevent the eruption or at the very least prevent a lot of deaths, right? Nope. He discovers that aliens live inside the volcano and are setting the stage to destroy the world. The Doctor realizes that he must CAUSE the eruption of Mount Vesuvius to destroy the aliens and save the planet (which implies that he was ALWAYS the historical cause of the eruption). He does manage to save one family, becoming a household deity in the process.

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Well, that works out conveniently for my blog title.

And then there’s the mass genocide, specifically his complete annihilation of the Daleks. (Don’t worry. They come back every time they’re completely annihilated.) Now, any fan of the show would acknowledge that the Daleks totally have it coming. It’s like killing robot Hitlers. You just don’t care if they die. But that’s the thing. HE CARES!

Sorta.

In episode 13, season 4, “Journey’s End”, The Daleks were going to detonate the Reality Bomb which would… destroy all of reality. Yeah, you heard me. (Why are we not watching this show right now? Oh yeah, the blog post!) So, I mean, they really did have it coming. The Doctor had to completed destroy the Daleks to save the universe.

And there's the guilt trip.

And there’s the guilt trip.

Being like God is a raw deal. Some days you’re savior of the world, other days you’re destroyer of worlds… sigh. Haters gonna hate.

HE ACTUALLY LOVES HIS ENEMIES

What I love most about The Doctor is that he doesn’t ever see things in black and white. For every conflict he faces, he seeks to first understand the enemy and legitimately offer his help. He understands that nothing is pure evil, not really. His enemies are either programmed for mindless tasks (e.g. The Cybermen and Daleks) or acting out of fear, ignorance, or desperation. When a conflict is resolved and the original figures who have been saved wish to enact vengeance upon the defeated foes, The Doctor is quick to enact his own form of “justice”. Here’s the best example, using only six words.

IN CONCLUSION: The Doctor may not be God-enough for everyone, but God may not be Doctor-enough either. Honestly, I think we could do a lot worse.

God Agrees to be Interviewed. Finally Admits He “Makes No Sense.”

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[Somewhere in a diner on the other side of the universe]…

 

Interviewer: Thank you so much for agreeing to this, God. I mean, this is huge. This is going to answer so many questions for so many people.

God: [holding a cloud in front of his face] Don’t mention it.

Interviewer: Why the cloud?

God: My face is so holy it would melt your face.

Interviewer: Oh, I see. Right. Well, let’s just get right down to business. [fumbles through a small stack of index cards] Here is a question sent to us from Susan, a teenager from Sector 5X. “Dear God, why is there so much suffering in the cosmos?” 

God: Ah, yes. I’ve been meaning to answer this one for a while. Suffering is a result of sin. I can’t force someone to do what is right, therefore all sorts of sins must be permitted to exist. If I somehow intervened, I would not be a loving God at all.

Interviewer: Interesting. Indeed. But, doesn’t that mean Heaven would be impossible then? 

God: [there is a slight pause] I would ask you what you mean, but I’m God so I already know what you mean. [clears throat] You mean to imply that I would be forced to allow sin in Heaven as well. But this would not be the case, because only the Holy shall enter into Heaven. 

Interviewer: I see. So the ones who get in will be perfect? Sinless? 

God: Of course not. Only Jesus and myself are perfect and sinless. They are Holy because we proclaim them to be Holy. 

Interviewer: You mean to say, you “make” them Holy?

God: We transform their nature to be one with our divine will. So they have no choice but to…

Interviewer: No choice? Isn’t choice a necessity for you to be a loving God?

God: Well, yes. But only while people are alive, on their home planets. 

Interviewer: Right. Okay. So, people who are not holy of their own merit must endure a world of suffering to finally reap the riches of Heaven?

God: Yes, they must prove they are worthy through suffering. 

Interviewer: Prove? So they do have to earn something after all? 

God: No, grace is not earned. It is a free gift of grace. It cannot be attained by good works.

Interviewer: Then who gets the grace? Why is anyone chosen?

God: Whosoever believes in me shall not perish, but have everlasting life!

Interviewer: Ah! I think we are getting somewhere. So believing is the key. If someone believes, they become saved. Am I understanding you correctly?

God: You’ve got it! 

Interviewer: So the only “work” you have to do is believe. 

God: [there is another pause, this time for a good twenty seconds] Well, I wouldn’t call believing in me a “work”. 

Interviewer: I would.

God: I wouldn’t.

Interviewer: Do you love everyone unconditionally?

God: Of course!

Interviewer: So no conditions? You love them no matter what?

God: Yes, but unfortunately I can only save the ones who ask for my grace and believe in their heart that I am real.

Interviewer: Is that belief a “condition” for salvation?

God: Absolutely.

Interviewer: [face-palm] So salvation is contingent upon their choice? Their action. A work of faith. What if all beings choose not to believe? Are you powerless? Do you lose? Did Jesus die for nothing if the Disciples simply looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders, and said “I don’t feel like it”? 

God: Oh, that would’ve never happened.

Interviewer: But what if it did?

God: I was feeling lucky.

Interviewer: Okay, so to recap… Suffering is caused as a direct result of the free will of people to choose. Suffering remains because for you to intervene you would be taking away that same free will. But those who choose good are no more deserving of Heaven since no one is holy until they are “made to be holy” by you. And you choose which ones to make holy, not because they are good people, but because they believe in you. And in Heaven everything will be perfect because the people will be holy, but they’re only holy because you basically turn them into demigods, more or less, who no longer have free will?

God: What? Does that not make sense?

Interviewer: No. I’m afraid it doesn’t. 

God: Well, my ways are higher than your ways. So, Checkmate.

Interviewer: Checkmate? You can’t just say that when things don’t add up.

God: Okay, okay. You’re right. It makes no sense. 

Interviewer: Let’s try another question. Josh from Battlestar Galactica asks “Can you really do anything?”

God: Yes. Anything. It comes with the whole “God” package.

Interviewer: Not a surprising answer. But does that mean you could save everyone? 

God: I could.

Interviewer: Will you?

God: Of course not.

Interviewer [getting a bit flustered] Why not?! Don’t you want everyone to be saved?

God: That is my will.

Interviewer: If it is your will, and you can do all things, why won’t you do it?

God: Because not everything deserves to be saved.

Interviewer: Who does deserve to be saved?

God: Jesus. Yeah, that’s it. Just Jesus. And you may have to ask him that one. He practically does all the “saving” these days.

[Jesus enters and sits next to his Father]

Jesus: Oh hi. Sorry for the confusion. Yes, I was the only one who deserved to be saved. 

God: So proud of you, Son.

Jesus: Yeah, sure. 

Interviewer: Do I sense some tension between the two of you?

Jesus: Tension? Nah. I mean, I’m such a good son that I got to be crucified by the Romans.  

God: Son, it was the only way.

Jesus: BULLSHIT! YOU JUST TOLD THIS GUY YOU COULD DO ANYTHING YOU WANTED!

Interviewer: I can leave you two alone if this is a bad time.

Jesus: No. It’s okay. I think it’s about time we got all this out in the open. Dad, I specifically called and asked you that night in the garden if there was another way that whole thing could have went down without me getting my skin ripped off and me getting nailed to a block of wood. Then you tell me you’re driving through a tunnel and there was a bad connection? 

God: You know we have Sprint! It’s not my fault!

Jesus: You know, Mom was right. She knew better than to get involved with you. I can’t believe she left Joseph, for… for all this!

Interviewer: You know, I think I’ve got everything I need! [signals for his check] 

Disbelieve it or not…

Street Level

Ever since I came to peace (I think I can call it peace) with shedding my Christian skin (or fleece, perhaps?) I have found it to be increasingly difficult to converse with those whose faith is still on solid ground. Some good friends have pointed out that my critiques have been offensive lately. I can believe it. People get offended, especially when it comes to issues they feel strongly about. I have always attempted to clarify that my statements are not personal attacks, but simply my own thoughts and experience with the subject matter.

Well, that doesn’t work.

For example, I recently pointed out how I think it’s dishonest if Christians mock and immediately dismiss miracle accounts of other religious traditions as being clearly absurd, but are offended if someone mocks the miracles of Jesus or Christian supernaturalism in general (as if some magic is more scientific than other magic). While I think this is a clear double standard, my critique comes across to many as an attack on Christianity. I am not making a claim as to the accuracy of said accounts (even though I’m sure someone could probably guess where I stand). The issue gets bogged down in the details, when I only meant to bring out the one seemingly obvious piece of intellectual dishonesty.

Oh, I guess calling something “intellectually dishonest” also sounds offensive. Hmm. There’s no getting around this, is there.

Over the past week I’ve been seriously questioning my motives, my approach. For so long I’ve wondered why a mere discussion of the underlying philosophies inherent to spirituality, belief, and disbelief was so incendiary to those I engaged. If someone believes in God, and they claim to exercise a rational faith, then why would they willingly choose to suspend critical thinking on certain topics? Why even “study” the Bible or theology if the cop-out becomes “God’s thoughts are higher than our thoughts”? Why even claim a God whose evidence of intelligent design can seemingly be “plainly seen” but then become offended when skeptics wish to honestly discuss said evidence?

What offends me, personally, is the idea that skeptics are merely angry with God, as if we can’t come to conclusions about the implications of theistic beliefs without a broken, immature, or damaged spirit. Perhaps the “damage” was inflicted systematically over decades, and the “healing” resembles an immature “hissy-fit” when encountered by Christians. I’ll be the first to admit that anger is often involved whenever someone feels misled for a large portion of their lives. But to imply that a disbelief in God is a flaw in the individuals’ character… yeah, that’s offensive. Many of us battled with trying to believe in this worldview for years, often shedding many tears in the process… crying out with unheard prayers… and then with the pseudo “rejection” we also get a side “You were always the problem.”

We just never “got” it. And evidently we never wanted to “get” it. So, thanks for that.

All that being said, I think I now understand the nature of my offense. See, I have let go of the “faith” aspect and have transitioned to a purely intellectual interaction with the material. For example, since the existence of miracles is of no consequence to me anymore, a full critique of miracles has no possibility of offending me. But speaking of such things with someone who builds their own eternal foundation around the historical accuracy of a resurrected Jesus… Yeah, that could ruffle some feathers I guess.

But in all seriousness, I don’t have an agenda to remove someone’s faith. However, I do think there is something to be said about someone being honest about their beliefs. If you claim to believe in a good God who loves everyone unconditionally, yet you have absolutely zero problem with an eternal lake of fire set aside for his enemies, and also have zero interest in entertaining the “non-eternal lake of fire” theologies that are totally consistent with Christianity, then yeah… I think you want to have your loving-God-cake and eat him too, most likely to hide some prejudices you have against those of different faith traditions.

But I could be wrong.

And hey, if I am wrong, tell me why I’m wrong. I don’t want to simply prove my points. My friends can tell you that my points have changed, drastically and constantly. I want to be compelled to consider different points of view. I guess that’s where I’ve landed. I’m currently on the line between spirituality and secularism, hoping that there is more to the story than just the endless barking of internet message boards. Give me a reason to believe in something, to become passionate about something. I’d love for you to prove me wrong.

Disbelieve it or not.

 

Four Reasons You Are Probably Going to Hell…

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Now, I know what you’re thinking. I wrote a blog post awhile back that argued the exact opposite conclusion, but just hear me out. There are plenty of reasons why you’re probably in for a brimstone sauna.

1. THE DECLINE OF TRADITIONAL MARRIAGE

Now this first one should come as no surprise. How are the rest of us heathens ever going to stand a chance to avoid Hell if Christians keep breaking their own rules? Which rules am I referring to, you ask? Not “feeding the poor” you say? “Destroying the Earth” is it? No no no no no. They have completely turned their backs on the Bible by ignoring God’s clear Biblical mandate for traditional marriage.

And by traditional marriage of course I mean polygamous arranged marriages to underage girls in exchange for goods and services. (Gen 34:12)

Many Biblical figures had more than one wife, such as Esau (Genesis 26:34; Genesis 28:6-9), Abraham (Genesis 16:3, Genesis 21:1-13, Genesis 25:1, Genesis 25:6), Moses (Exodus 2:21; Exodus 18:1-6, Numbers 12:1), Jacob (Genesis 29:15-28), Gideon (Judges 8:29-32), Elkanah (1 Samuel 1:1-8), David (1 Samuel 25:39-44; 2 Samuel 3:2-5; 2 Samuel 5:13-16) and Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3).

Christians have given up their God-given rights to barter and negotiate their women-property. Instead, they have actually started condemning others who try to carry out the word of God. Poor Utah. They get all the blame. Oddly enough, Christians give the Old Testament patriarchs a free pass because God still used them for righteous purposes. It was just the culture of the day, some might add. God was never really for it, they said. He just “permitted” it via his “permissive will” or something. We all know that’s not true. God is the same yesterday, today, and forever.

And we know that if polygamy was a sinful lifestyle, they couldn’t be saved. If that were true, God would have to let the gays into Heaven. And we obviously know they’re not getting in, because gay sex is just icky.

We need better role models, people!

2. THE BIBLE MAGICALLY MAKES EVERYONE A LIAR

To add insult to injury, I recently found out that the Bible is always right, every single time. That means it’s never wrong. Ever. So imagine my dismay when Christian Coalition bulldog Ralph Reed goes and embarrasses the Bible on Bill Maher:

Ralph Reed had a strong opening, declaring the Bible to be literally true (which we know for a fact). But once Bill pressured him on the issues about slavery and killing women (excuse me… property), Ralph caves and says the New Covenant of the New Testament is true, while the Old Testament law was incomplete, or a work-in-progress so to speak. There those Christians go again, lying about their spiritual ancestors. Will their hate speech never end!?

Saying the Bible is literally true, but then admitting slavery and stoning women weren’t condoned by the literal reading of the Bible is being dishonest. It’s either literal or it’s not. So, Mr. Reed was lying.

But what about Bill Maher? He was quoting scripture, and the Bible is always right, every time. So Bill was forcing the Bible to side with an atheist. Since an atheist’s logic is never Godly, this means the Bible had to actually change meanings momentarily as to avoid the awkwardness of the situation. Just for a split second, up was down, left was right, and the word “literal” meant “the complex narrative of the God’s people unfolding over thousands of years”. So, Bill Maher was lying too!

Let that be a lesson to you. We’re all liars. Liars go to Hell. But the Bible is always right. Every time.

 

3. CHRISTIANS ARE DISMANTLING SCIENCE

While gettin’ my Facebook on, I happened upon this brilliant video which deals a resounding deathblow to Evolution. In just three minutes, it was all over. Science had been destroyed, and this… this HERO of reason had rebuilt it from the ground up. You have to see it to believe it. You still might not believe it after you see it though, because it’s just so profound.

I mean, the Universe just means Genesis 1 now? Laws of Thermodynamics are suddenly much less complicated? This makes me rethink the possibility of a Hell. I mean, once I thought science had debunked any notion of such a place, but if Christians keep this up, Creation science will just take back over and the fear of Hell will be back inside every Victoria’s Secret magazine. There will be nowhere to hide!

4. COSMOS HAS ENDED

Neil deGrasse Tyson and his Spaceship of the Imagination gave us something to look forward to on Sunday nights. For a brief moment we thought to ourselves, “Maybe science and reason aren’t all that scary.” But then, it was gone. We’ve been left to fend for ourselves in this cold chaotic western spiral arm of the Milky Way.

How could a God just leave us alone like that? We must have done something terrible. Something unforgivable.

Neil! Come back!

IN CONCLUSION:

Are we all going to Hell? Tough to say. I mean, we could believe the Bible literally. But then we’d have to make sure atheists don’t ever quote it. We could believe science, but then science will just up and bail when its network contract runs out. Who knows. Well, in the meantime, the internet is made of cats.

 

 

Does God Exist? The Debate Comes to a Close.

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Does God exist? I assume you have an opinion on the matter. We may say we hate to talk about it, but for some reason we just can’t escape its sultry allure.  As it would happen, the internet is obsessed with this question. You’ll be hard-pressed to find a comment thread lacking this essential debate.

Suffice it to say, she never finished her homework.

Suffice it to say, she never finished her homework.

Don’t you wish you could wave a magic wand and settle this matter once and for all? But does the fact you don’t even know if magic wands exist complicate the matter even further? Well, today is your lucky day! After many years of searching, I have discovered indisputable truth that will finally put this feud to rest.

Now I know what you’re thinking…

“Brett, you can’t go and ruin it for everyone. Countless pastors and professors and philosophers could be out of work! The fate of Christian music hangs in the balance!”

While I do not discount the legitimacy of said concerns, the time has come.

You see, it is easy to say “God exists” without backing it up. But a few days ago I was given proof of his existence. It was so mind-blowing, so miraculous. My journey was finally over. The logic was so blinding that I had to shield my eyes. I removed my loafers, for the ground on which I stood had become holy.

What is this proof, you ask? I hope you’re sitting down.

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See that little arrow in the bottom right corner? There’s more!

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You see, my atheist friend had been given this divinely-inspired post-it note from another co-worker. Spoiler-alert, the co-worker was a Christian. While normally such note-passing would be considered rude, pointless, arrogant, naive, or “a waste of a perfectly good post-it note” …this was the obvious exception to the rule. I mean, just look at the Einstein-ian rhetoric.

Have you ever read a book that is 100% true…

Perhaps we have all been blinded by our own worldliness to ever notice just how accurate the Bible actually is. I was under the impression that it contained at least a partial degree of “less than perfection”. Maybe 82% true? Engrossed in the illumination of the post-it, I read on…

…and in which every historical event actually occurred?

When I read these words I sat down and gazed into the distance. I couldn’t help but feel a momentary surge of rage flood my veins as I realized my history teachers had been teaching from history books where the events described didn’t actually occur. I mean, what the hell?!

The Bible is the only book that is always true, every time.

The wisdom of this passage of scripture (Yes, I have already declared the post-it to be scripture) was so mysterious that I did not try to interpret it right away. I simply decided to have faith that some books could be true some of the time, but not every time. Only the Bible was always true every single time.

The other side of this relic (Yes, it’s obviously a relic too) stripped away all my earlier notions of what the truth should look like. The truth doesn’t need periods, only commas. The truth goes on, and on, and on, and on…

Having shown you the truth, it would be glorious if you would rid your heart of doubt and ignorance. But many of you are sinners, and sinners hate the truth. In fact, if you reject this revelation, that only proves its authenticity. Also, accepting the message also means it’s true. See how that works? Brilliant. Checkmate, atheists.

Perhaps some could say that proving God’s existence is futile, since God can be defined in countless ways. Maybe some think that the Bible was written by countless people over thousands of years as a narrative about their community’s spiritual journey, an account stooped in Eastern philosophy, myth, poetry, allegory, and metaphor. I’d venture to say that some despise this debate, because it distracts us from what really matters on this planet. What if they prayed (or spoke to the empty godless void) every night that the debate would finally end, that the dogs would stop barking so we could all get some rest.

I even bet some people think it’s impossible to prove or disprove such things, so we should just “love” each other and “watch Life of Pi” already. But we don’t need to think about any of that anymore.

Yes, Jesus loves me. The post-it tells me so.

Confessions of an Ex-Youth Pastor

This coming June 15th, I will have been out of ministry for three full years. This seems unreal to me. What seems even more strange is that this coming Fall will mark ten years since I enrolled in my ministry undergrad program. I can’t help but look back on the past decade and wonder if it was a mistake. “Was it worth the heartache?” I ask myself that question daily. From a vocational standpoint, the answer is crystal clear; I failed. I was unable and unwilling to continue in my line of work. Simply put, I was fired twice, and I did not wish to try for a third assignment.

Now, here comes the trickiest part in writing such a blog post. I am not here to wallow in the sweet, dirty aroma of martyrdom. I am not here to “bash” the churches and staff members who ever so gently placed me underneath the proverbial bus. I am no rockstar because I have suffered at the hands of church committees. I now understand that being on a church committee is its own punishment, so I wish them a smooth journey through their dark and stormy sea. I also understand that my differences of opinion and my failures to satisfy my job expectations are not marks of superiority. I will now and forever admit that being a youth pastor is not what God, Buddha, Vishnu, or Neil DeGrasse Tyson wants for my life. I will respect their wishes.

However, I am not ready to call it all a wash. I learned some very valuable life lessons that I’d like to pass on to the rest of you. If you sense a bit of sarcasm, don’t worry; it’s just what happens when oxygen flows past my vocal chords.

1. THE YOUTH REALLY ARE WORTH IT ALL

We all like each other so much!

I will begin by stating that if I ever had any regrets about tossing my hat into Youth ministry, the Youth were never one of them. I mean, I was 24 when I graduated from college and took my first position in Warner Robins, GA. (I won’t name the church, but it rhymes with “binity phunited smithodist”). I was practically still a kid myself. I immediately fell in love with the Youth, being reminded constantly of my own teen years with every conversation I had with them. I honestly wasn’t the most outgoing youth pastor, but I soon bonded to them with my own brand of dry humor, mind-stretching questions (like was it a sin to kill Jesus, or did Jesus have fleas?), and random mass-texting trivia games with no correct answers.

When you’re that in-love with a group of youth, you immediately become vulnerable to claims that you’re “too buddy-buddy” and not “adult” enough. There is no getting around this conundrum. There’s just not. If you don’t relate enough to the youth, watch out for parents holding secret meetings with your boss. If you relate too well with the youth, you may not be taking your job “seriously” enough. But you know what? All the bullshit was worth it, because I had an awesome time with those kids. I’ll always remember those life-changing conversations where I really knew I had helped someone get through a dark time. One girl even said I saved her life. What’s more rewarding than that?

 

2. YOU’RE A CRIMINAL UNTIL PROVEN INNOCENT.

Did you send a mass text to my daughter?!

Let me begin by saying I don’t make light of the very real presence of sexual abuse in Christianity. I’m simply saying that when you are a male, given the task of overseeing a large group of middle and high schoolers, people are going to think/say a lot of things. Try relating to the half of the group that’s female. You’re expected to delegate that wing of your relational ministry through as many female volunteers as possible. Any texts, phone calls, or conversations happening on the far side of the youth room will set off red flags everywhere. And hey… I get it. We all want safety for our kids. But I’ll always think it’s odd that churches hire the “morally upright” and then assume their calling was actually just their excuse to flirt with teenage girls.

If those parents only knew how many of their own kids were doin’ the dance with no pants. Oh man. They’d leave the Youth pastor alone and start investing in chastity belts.

 

3. DON’T GET HUNG UP ON THE WHOLE “JESUS” THING.

John, I won’t ask you again. Where did you hide the kick-ball?!

I once made the mistake of thinking Church was about Jesus. Now, I know what you’re thinking. “Brett, you’re getting petty. You’re just upset that you had a bad experience.” But what I mean is… Church is a business. If you haven’t sat through a finance meeting, try it out. It’ll clear up any doubts you may have. It is a numbers game. Managing metrics. Income. Payroll. Attendance. It’s about money.

Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying it’s ONLY about money. It’s also about power grabs and politics. Are there good things too? Of course! But at the end of the day, just don’t be naive. I’ve been in a staff meeting where we opened with prayer, listened to the Pastor lie about why a staff member “chose” to step down, and looked across the table at that very staff member fight back tears knowing they were being removed against their will. Jesus had nothing to do with that. I knew a brilliant (and blind) associate pastor voted out of his position while he was in the same room. Jesus had nothing to do with that. I was voted out of my position while I was gone on a mission trip. Jesus wasn’t even in the same hemisphere for that one.

I say this to make a point, not to indict anyone. Businesses do what they feel they have to do. But when you are in the “Jesus Business” …your idealism will take a big hit. Your rose-colored glasses must come off, or the shrapnel will hit you when you least expect it. Don’t blame Jesus. When the coast is clear, grab on to him and jump the prison wall. You’ll finally be able to get some real work down once you get out.

Seriously, all joking aside, don’t take things personally. Assholes are everywhere. Sometimes they just live in parsonages.

 

4. EVERYONE THINKS YOUR IDEAS ARE STUPID

I blame the crowd for encouraging this one.

This one shouldn’t be too shocking. I bet you can name five people you work with right now who have stupid ideas. I’d also bet five is a conservative figure. But when you’re a Youth pastor, your grand visions for the future of the program? Crap. All of them. And hey, maybe they are crap. I’m not going to pretend I had it all figured out. I made my share of dumb moves (e.g. Saturday night youth service. Omg. Even Jesus shook his head at that one). But when you’re 24 years old, and the church has filled your position five times in the past six years, no one is honestly expecting you to have any new, ground-breaking ideas.

I still want to try LATE-NIGHT ALIEN LASER TAG PRISON ESCAPE. Maybe in my next life.

5. THE ENTIRE PREMISE OF YOUTH MINISTRY IS FLAWED

Stop me if I’m wrong, but I have always been told Youth ministry exists to…

“Foster and develop the students’ spiritual identities for the purpose of incorporating them into the life of the church”
(i.e. Let’s grow us some tithing church members)

From a business standpoint, there is nothing illogical about this approach. Obviously they need a long-term plan for sustained growth. And don’t misunderstand, I honestly believe they have the best of intentions and hope the Youth do find a healthy spiritual life, whether in their church or another somewhere out there after college. But you see… there’s a problem. If this is the point of Youth ministry, it’s failing. Big time.

If you do some research you’ll find a lot of figures and studies on the topic, but basically 70% of graduating teens leave the church, and maybe half of that 70% return sometime later in life. This is common across the board. It doesn’t matter if the church sets aside millions of dollars for its youth program. It doesn’t matter if normal Wednesday night attendance breaks 50, 500, or 5000 kids. Only 3 out of 10 youth 18-22 will stay in church, any church.

You see, it has nothing to do with the size of the program, or how well we relate to their interests, or how many community outreach programs we coordinate. When kids are done with youth group, they leave. And the reason why isn’t all that bad! They leave for all sorts of reasons, but a major reason is that they simply feel their life is beginning a new chapter. They’ve graduated. They did the Youth group thing, maybe they loved it (maybe they didn’t), but now it’s time to move on to other things. They may look back on their days in church with fondness. Their choice to leave has little to do with the trips to Malaysia, Third Day concerts, or lock-ins featuring LATE-NIGHT ALIEN LASER TAG PRISON ESCAPE.

The point of youth ministry is that those kids need to be cared for while they ARE in church. Now. It has nothing to do with creating church members. Oh, and if you want some stats on general decline of religion in America, click here (if you dare).

~

In closing: You may look up there^ and see the ramblings of a guy who still cares very much about the youth of Christianity. You might see a bitter, disenfranchised soul who wants to take cheap shots when he can. You might think I’m even being too easy on the Church. When I strike these keys on my laptop I honestly think to myself “Wow, if so-and-so from x-council ever finds what I’m typing, they’ll feel quite vindicated for their decision to vote me out.” My extensive usage of the phrase “bullshit” is enough to confirm their suspicions I was never Christ-like enough.

But at the end of the day, I guess I am thankful I was put on this path filled with the best and worst examples of Jesus’ legacy. I am thankful I didn’t waste any more time in Christianity than I did. I mean, there’s some fabulous believers out there who need to keep fighting the good fight. So, keep it up! But I had to break up with Jesus, or at least the Jesus I was sold so long ago. I still see him on the street, in my friends’ faces, in children’s laughter, in Life of Pi (great movie, people. Just buy the Blu-Ray), lots of places.

I wouldn’t recommend my old job to anyone in good conscience, but if you’re ever looking for a wild 18 month ride, give youthspecialties.com a spin. I hear those churches are always hiring.

…Kinda like Wal-Mart.