So, I’m starting over. Again.
For several years I have been living in fear. Just the phrase “living in fear” seems vague, cliche, and honestly lacking. The phrase is also an oxymoron: You can’t “live” in fear. In fact, the word “living” has been grossly misunderstand in everyday society. We think “living” means being uninhibited by nuisances like debt, crappy jobs, or that ten pounds we need to lose. But living is something much more profound. It means accepting your existence, your place in the cosmos, and everything in it. Then and only then can you see through the veils, behind the curtains and through the smoke.
To live in fear means to be a slave.
I’ve battled depression for several years now. I’ve tried medication. I’ve tried counseling. I’ve tried blaming all the negative circumstances and persons in my life. I’ve searched for answers to the big questions. I’ve tried running from my own demons, or flat-out denying they still linger. Eventually you have to stop running. Sometimes you even have to hit rock bottom. That’s where I am.
But at least now I can look up and see the stars again.
I can say that for the first time, I know I’m going to be alright. I no longer place that certainty in deities, or a naive and chronic optimism. I do not place it in any other person. Nothing outside of myself can do this. However, I can see why so many think it could be so.
Once I put all my trust and security in Jesus. I won’t lie. That shit works on a practical level for a whole lot of people. It “worked” for me for a significant portion of my life. I mean, if you think that you’re good, taken care of, loved, accepted, and have a GOD (for cryin’ out loud) on your side… yeah, you may indeed have some peace of mind (until you think you pissed that GOD off, anyway). But pragmatism is not the point. Lots of things “work” or achieve the desired goal. But how we win matters.
For example, as a society we could lock up our daughters in cages that hang from their bedroom ceilings. We could bring them food and water daily, tell them bedtime stories, and obviously tell them the outside world is scary and dangerous. We can keep them in there until age 20. And teenage pregnancy will drop to 0%. Mission accomplished, right?
Two plus two equals four. But three plus one, and five minus one, and sixteen divided by four work too. When you think about it, there are countless ways to arrive at the desired outcome. Some are more simple. Some more complex. Some will make you hate math and major in some meaningless degree like Latin.
We each have to find the way home that will bring us there in one piece.
Today I am happy. I want you to be happy too. Since I can’t do that for you, or anyone else, I would like to share with you a few videos that remind me what happiness feels like. For the full effect, watch each one in-full.
Love you all.